THIS IS A STORY FOR thanoodles BECAUSE IT IS HER BIRTHDAY
YEP YOU GUESSED IT IT'S DEVIL MAY KAWAII THE DATE EDITION!!
Long after Vergil had repaid Dante for the car damages after he drove them off a cliff and was never allowed to drive ever again for the rest of his life, our story picks up again on a warm fall day with Dante screaming at his two best buddies in the whole wide world Vergil and Nero.
"DUDE! I'm going on a date with TRISH! I've been trying to go out with that hot piece of ass for years!" Dante said as he did a stupid little jig.
"Yeah, okay that's great." because really Nero and Vergil didn't care.
"This is the best. She said she was going to us to her favorite place and of course I agreed because I am a true gentleman - maybe I should bring her roses, what do you think?"
"How about you do me a favor and punch her in the face for breaking my bike in 6th grade?" said Vergil because in the 6th grade Trish totally stole and trashed his bike and then told him to stop crying because he was being a big baby.
"Shut up Vergil no one cares about your bike." said Dante. "I need good dating advice! I need to make an impression!"
Nero sighed. "Why are you asking us again? All we know about Trish is that she's a cold hearted bitch."
Dante ALMOST told Nero to shut up until he got a BRILLIANT IDEA! "I've got a brilliant idea! Let's ask Kyrie for advice!"
"That is a terrible idea." growled Nero. But it didn't matter what he thought because Dante was already running down the street toward her house.
"OI, GET BACK HERE!!" he shouted, chasing after Dante.
Vergil just stood there like an idiot, wondering if he had to condemn himself to such a stupid afternoon. He decided not to, and went back home to curl up in his leopard print snuggie and watch Tokyo Mew Mew while Dante and Nero made retards of themselves.
Dante nearly punched through Kyrie's front door knocking, much to Nero's annoyance. Even more to his annoyance she opened the door.
"Nero! And Dante, what are you two doing here?" She said.
"KYRIE! My darling, I need your help!" Dante over zealously pointed at her, "I need to know what I should do tomorrow night on my date with Trish!"
"Oh, is that all?" Kyrie laughed.
Nero grumbled something but Dante decided to scream over him for the billionth time "This is important! She's picking the place for dinner and so I need to be ready. Where do you think we'll go? Should I bring roses?"
"Hm..." Kyrie thought for a bit, "Well, she really likes this one French cafe. Maybe she'll take you there. And don't bring roses, I don't think she likes flowers..."
"Okay, I'll definitely bring the roses."
Kyrie and Nero stared at him like he had head trauma, but then they realized he probably did have head trauma and decided not to say anything.
"But I don't know anything about French food! Or French!" said Dante, suddenly sounding worried. "Is pizza a french food?"
"Doesn't Vergil know French?" Kyrie asked Nero.
"Yeah, he does, where is that little jerk?" Nero looked around, realizing that when they ran over to Kyrie's house he must've simply left Nero to suffer Dante's insanity alone.
"Then lets go harass that stupid motherfucker! Thanks for your help Kyrie!" Dante waved and ran off again.
"Oh Nero before you go--" Kyrie pulled him over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Have fun with your friends!"
Nero nearly melted into a blushing glob on her front steps but managed to compose himself and stutter a pathetic goodbye before rushing off. Or as best as one runs off with jello knees.
Vergil heard Dante and Nero punching his front door, and shoved his shoujo DVD's and snuggie under the bed before going to see what the hell the two of them wanted.
"What the hell do you two want?" said Vergil.
"Vergil, teach me French." said Dante, totally serious.
"...Are you serious? No."
"I taught you how to drive, this is the least you could do! How else will I impress Trish??" Dante was nearly begging. BEGGING!
Vergil grumbled, because he still felt maybe a little bad about driving off a bridge with his car. "Fine. Get in here."
The three of them sat in Vergil's living room and Vergil started explaining a lot of stuff about French, but since I don't actually know any French and this is a stupid fanfic you will have to use your imagination.
"Okay, now repeat after me," says Vergil several minutes later. "Bonsoir Mademoiselle."
"Bonsewere Mademoistelle." repeats Dante.
Nero and Vergil beat him over the head with rock hard baguettes until he stops being a jerk and gets it right, which of course took a long time of tutoring in French that make Vergil and Nero want to continue punching Dante until he was punch for drinking.
Eventually, Dante stopped them. "Okay, you two are completely useless. I am going home and will learn this myself!"
"Thank every god that ever was." said Vergil and Nero at the same time as Dante left and went back to his house.
The next night was the big night. The date with Trish, the one he had been trying to get for ages and so you can bet Dante was looking the best with his trademark red jacket and roses just for her. He had told Vergil and Nero that they should see how swag he was, but Vergil straight out told him no and to leave him alone, and Nero was hanging out with Kyrie and would rather cut off his magical arm then deal with him. Their loss, Dante told himself as he knocked on Trish's door.
Aha! And there she was, looking all nice! Dante cleared his throat and held out the roses, opened his mouth ready to impress...
"Flowers, really? How cute." Trish said, taking them from his hand and dropping them in the bushes. "Come on, we're going to the Chinese place a few blocks from here."
"Wha-- Chinese? Why?" Dante said stupidly. He had worked so hard to impress, FOR NOTHING?!
Well obviously. "They have a great special today. Now hurry up will you?" snapped Trish.
Dante nodded and the two of them had a nice walk over to the restaurant, getting the day's special noodle platter.
"I didn't know you liked Chinese food." said Dante trying to make small talk.
"Of course!" exclaimed Trish. "It's my favorite."
Her favorite? But Kyrie said it was that French place Dante thought to himself. Maybe she had lied? But no, Kyrie was so nice and honest! Maybe I had heard it wrong? I, the great Dante?! Am I actually retarded? Are what Vergil and Nero constantly say about me actually facts, and I just don't realize it? How could he have not known? Did his parents never tell him? Or maybe they didn't know either, maybe his whole family was stupid! But I'm Dante, I'm supposed to be the best! Does the world truly have no need for the likes of a beautiful white haired man like myself, am I truly meaningless in the grand scale of life and time?!
The noodle platter landing on the table broke Dante from his existential quandary, and he forgot all about it as the warm smell filled his nose.
"Wow!" said Dante, "This looks delicious!"
"I told you dumbass." said Trish breaking her chopsticks, "Now let's dig in!"
And the two of them did and it was glorious.
Yeah basically I should never be allowed to write anything ever again.