A FANFICTION FOR thanoodles, uzis, AND candlejack
Vergil, Nero, and Dante were old pals. Buddies since the start really, more like brothers! And not brothers in that close, cool military sense, but brothers in the, `I'M DANTE, SUCK MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK` and `WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IT'S 6AM GET THE FUCK OUT`
Either way, It was Vergil's birthday! And through some prying (see: abuse of smaller people) Dante and Nero realized all he wanted was a car. But why? He didn't know how to drive.... OR DID HE?
"He must've been learning behind our backs!" said Dante.
"Dude, you're dumber than dicks. When the would he be going to get lessons? Who would even teach him? Nobody likes Vergil." Nero retorted.
Dante scratched his chin. This was true, Vergil was a real asshole and nobody liked him.
"Maybe Kyrie? She likes everyone!" Dante asked like a true troll.
Nero then EXPLODED INTO FLAMES but not really because this is a serious story. "No." Nero said flatly. Kyrie was his girlfriend, and even though he trusted her, he didn't want to risk her hanging out with Vergil of ALL PEOPLE! (Though it would be better than hanging out with Dante.)
So they decided to ask Vergil himself about it.
Nero knocked on his door. "WE KNOW YOU'RE HOME OPEN UP!"
Grumbling, Vergil finally opened the door. "What do you faggots want?"
Nero scoffed, but Dante had remembered to put on extra swag to block the death scent of douche Vergil constantly threw at them. "We didn't know you knew how to drive, Vergil you sly dog!"
Vergil raised an eyebrow, looking at Dante as if he had done shrooms again. "I don't."
"Really?" Nero said, trying to look surprised but really he's not.
"Really. Now get out of my house." And Vergil slammed the door.
Dante tried to stop him but it was too late. So the two of them stood their, stroking their chins for a good minute, wondering why they were still friends with Vergil, but then they realized what would the 3 white guys be without their standard douche bag to balance out the swaggity swag and tsundere?
So they opened the door and kicked Vergil in the face.
"DON'T JUST SHUT US OUTSIDE YOU JERK!" Nero yelled at his friend's probably broken face.
"OW WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK YOU FUCKERS!?"
"YEAH! Now we're going to teach you how to drive, that way you can get a sweet car like us!" Dante pointed his thumb to his chest looking proud for no good reason while Nero and Vergil stared at him like it was that time Dante broke an unopened bottle of champagne on the wall at New Years.
"Wait, what!?" Nero and Vergil said at the same time.
"Oi, what, are you guys deaf now?" Dante said still acting overly proud over nothing.
"That's a stupid idea." Nero shot back.
Now Dante and Nero have had many parts where they were stroking their chins, thinking deeply about their life choices, and now it was Vergil's turn. He never liked being the only one who couldn't drive the car, and it usually resulted in him sitting in the back basically all the time. He had thought about learning, but no one would teach him and he couldn't figure out why. Now could be the perfect chance!
"Let's do it."
"Shut up Ner-- HEY, YOU MEAN IT?!" Dante nearly screamed from excitement.
"Yeah, why not?"
Dante pumped his fists into the air with a great "YAHOO!!" and Nero facepalmed through his face, making a mental note to write his will when he went home.
Later that night, they all piled into Dante's hunk of junk car, because Nero threatened to jump off the roof if they so much touched his brand new baby for Vergil's first driving lesson. Vergil wiggled into the drivers seat, Dante in shotgun, and Nero scowling in the back.
"Why are you wearing shades? You look like... well you look like your regular asshole self never mind."
"Shut up Nero." said Dante. "These shades look too good to be abandoned for our night on the town."
"Can you see the road?" Vergil asked with obvious concern.
"Dude, it's fine, now look, everyone's buckled in, so start the car and back out of the driveway."
Vergil nodded and did what he was told, ignoring Nero taunting him from the backseat ("You're gonna kill your cat man, maybe that little girl next door walking her puppy, don't mess up!") and managed to get onto the street with only knocking over the trashcan.
"You're a natural! Now drive to the bar and that'll be the lesson for the day."
"Wait, that's it?" Vergil looked confused. "I expected more than that."
"YOU WANT HIM TO DRIVE TO THE BAR!?"
Dante spoke completely ignoring Nero yet again, "You have to drive down the street, make a left turn in a few blocks, maybe even a few rights, and park. That should be more than enough of a lesson."
Nero nearly broke into tears as Vergil put his foot on the gas because he forgot to put the car back into drive, and sent them backwards.
"DUDE, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?! Put it in drive you retard!" Nero shouted.
"Shit--" Vergil finally fixed his mistake and started driving, going very slowly, because you know, he's never really driven before.
Dante didn't seemed bothered, laughing when Vergil nearly hit a parked car, leaving Nero to do all of the actual teaching.
"Turn on your signal, they have right of way, okay, good you didn't kill us this time, now keep going straight for like, two blocks-- okay, there it is now turn right into the lot, there you go you stupid shit, now just go straight there's a space, turn, slowly slowlySLOWLY JESUS BACK UP YOU'RE GOING TO HIT THE CAR, okay there that's better. Good job."
Dante let out a slow clap. "I didn't realize what a good teacher you were Nero!"
"Fuck you." spat Nero. "Tonight I get shotgun if you're going to be that way about it."
"Nope, already called it." Dante said laughing and hopping out of the car.
"Suck a dick!"
Vergil got out of the car after the other two, but didn't realize he hadn't put the car in park or turned it off until it moved forward into a bush. Dante promptly freaked out about his car actually getting hurt and Nero was laughing his ass off.
"DAMMIT VERGIL, why didn't you turn the fucking car off?!"
"Dude, I've never driven before." Vergil said deadpan, "How was I supposed to know when my teacher wasn't telling me shit?"
Dante contemplated punching him in the face, but no, it was Vergil's birthday! "I'd hit you if it wasn't your birthday jackass. You should be grateful." Said Dante.
Either way, they all went into the bar, stayed in, and drank profusely, because they could and that was all that mattered.
Somewhere after his fifth beer, Vergil looked deeply into Dante's eyes mid-conversation, placed his hand on his friend's shoulder and said
"Dante, have I ever told you...... badonkadonk."
"I know." Dante whispered.
"FAGGOTS ON THE DANCE FLOOR!" Nero shouted from a few seats away.
"WHERE?!" Dante and Vergil said at the same time, looking around only to reason it was them.
"Alright! Enough of this!" said Dante standing up. "Let us continue Vergil's lesson number 2! Drunk driving around town to find chicks!"
"W-What?! Isn't that like... illegal?" said Vergil.
"No." said Nero, "That's a ter--"
Dante slapped his hand over Nero's mouth "AN EXCELLENT IDEA, I KNOW NERO! Now let's go!"
Nero groaned, but they were all sick of drinking in this shitty bar so they got back into the car, Dante practically throwing Nero into the backseat. Vergil turned the car on, and Dante gave the instructions on how to get out of the parking lot and back into town, and it seemed all was well. Vergil ended up on the curb at least three times, causing Nero to scream in his ear each time, before things started to get under control (or so they though because they were DRUNK1)
"Man, thank god I wrote my will before this. We're totally going to die." said Nero.
Vergil just laughed, "You actually did that? I guess it was probably a good idea..."
Dante simply adjusted his shades and pulled a rose out of god knows where (but Nero and Vergil stopped questioning these things long ago) "Ladies, ladies, just go with it. We'll be fine."
It was at that moment that the radio started playing the ultimate song:
Instantly the three of them began dancing in their seats, flailing like drunken idiots with broken limbs, the radio volume on full blast and the windows rolled down. It was a moment that was truly magical on all accounts, unprecedented in it's stupidity and level of bro bonding.
Then Vergil drove off a bridge, but it was okay because they were the demons.
the end :)
Leaving this one public so everyone can see the glory.